Tantrums are a normal part of childhood, especially in toddlers and young children. While they can be stressful, tantrums are how children express strong emotions they cannot yet communicate with words. By understanding why tantrums happen, how to respond, and how to prevent them, these moments can be turned into learning opportunities.
What is a Tantrum?
A tantrum is a short, intense burst of emotion usually in response to frustration, anger, or not getting what a child wants. This may look like crying, screaming, flailing, hitting, throwing objects, or refusing to listen.
Tantrums usually begin around 12-18 months, peak at ages 2-3, and ease by 4-5 years. Far from being “bad behaviour”, they show developmental progress. Unlike babies who cry mainly to signal hunger or discomfort, toddlers are starting to understand cause and effect. They realise that their actions can influence others. This new awareness, combined with limited coping skills, often leads to outbursts. In this sense, tantrums show that your child is developing and experimenting with ways to communicate.
What Causes Tantrums?
Tantrums often arise from:
- Physiological needs – Fatigue, hunger, illness, or discomfort
- Frustration – Wanting something they cannot have, or being stopped for safety reasons
- Independence vs. Attention – Toddlers want to do things on their own, yet still rely on and crave parental support. This inner conflict can quickly lead to big emotions.
As children grow and build skills to communicate their feelings, tantrums generally become less frequent and less intense.
Recognising a Tantrum
Every child is different, but common signs include:
- Crying, screaming, or yelling
- Stomping, hitting, or throwing objects
- Refusal to follow instructions
It’s important to remember that tantrums are typically brief and end once the child calms down, their needs are met, or they realise their behaviour is not effective.
How to Manage Tantrums
Although tantrums can be intense, the way adults respond shapes how children learn self-control and manage their emotions. Caregivers cannot always prevent tantrums, but calm and consistent strategies can make them more manageable.
Using the R.I.D.D. Approach
Additional Strategies
Offer Choices
- Give simple, limited choices e.g. “Do you want to wear the red or blue shirt?)
- Help them feel more in control and reduces frustration
Teach Emotional Words
- Encourage your child to name their feelings e.g. “I’m mad”, “I need help”, “I want that”
- Give them tools to express emotions verbally instead of acting out physically
Praise Positive Behaviour
- Notice and celebrate moments when your child calms down, listens, or manages frustration well
- Positive reinforcement encourages them to use constructive ways to handle emotions
The American Academy of Paediatrics recommends short time-outs (about 1 min per year of age) only as needed, and never physical punishment. Physical punishment/discipline is not recommended, as it increases aggression and teaches that hitting is an acceptable way to handle anger.
Preventing Tantrums
While not every tantrum can be avoided, many can be reduced by preventing common triggers. The acronym C.A.L.M. can help:
Conclusion
Managing tantrums is not about stopping them instantly, but guiding children through big emotions in safe and supportive ways. Each outburst is an opportunity to teach coping skills, build communication, and strengthen the parent-child relationship.
If tantrums are very frequent, unusually long, aggressive, or disruptive to daily life, seeking professional guidance may be helpful. At Ohana Therapy, we partner with families to understand each child’s unique needs and build practical strategies. With patience, consistency, and the right support, children can develop resilience and healthier ways to handle frustration.
References
Beauchamp-Châtel, A., Courchesne, V., Forgeot d’Arc, B., & Mottron, L. (2019). Are tantrums in autism distinct from those of other childhood conditions? A comparative prevalence and naturalistic study. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 62, 66–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2019.03.003
Sisterhen, L. L., & Wy, P. A. W. (2023). Temper tantrums. In StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing LLC. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK544286/
