Children are hard-wired for connection
From the moment they are born, children seek connection. Attachment theory explains that early relationships shape a child’s ability to trust, regulate emotions, and interact with the world. Secure attachments, formed through consistent and responsive caregiving, lay the foundation for emotional resilience. When children feel seen and understood, they develop a strong sense of self-worth and security.
However, emotional regulation is not an innate ability — it is learned through interactions with caregivers. Babies rely on their caregivers to help them soothe distress, and as they grow, they continue to need guidance in navigating their emotions. This is where co-regulation plays a crucial role in helping children develop emotional self-regulation over time.
Co-regulation and its importance
Co-regulation is the process by which children learn to manage emotions with the help of a caregiver before they develop the ability to self-regulate. Before children can handle emotions like frustration, sadness, anger, or excitement on their own, they need the support of caregivers to help them process their emotions and guide them through their moments of stress. These repeated, supportive experiences help children feel safe and build emotional awareness.
Emotional regulation is not something a child develops overnight — it is a process that occurs over time through consistent, responsive interactions. When caregivers model calmness, acknowledge emotions, and provide reassurance, children feel safe and gradually build the skills to understand and manage their emotions. This lays the foundation for self-awareness, resilience, and confidence in managing emotions.
But every child is different and co-regulation may look different for each child. Some children may need more time, sensory support, or extra reassurance, but co-regulation is beneficial for all. With patience and consistency, every child is capable of growing in their ability to manage emotions.
Every child is different, and co-regulation may look different for each one. Some children may need more time, sensory support, or extra reassurance. With patience and consistency, every child is capable of growing in their ability to manage emotions.
Co-regulation is essential not just in early childhood but also throughout adolescence, as children continue to rely on caregivers, teachers, and trusted adults to help them regulate emotions during stressful moments. Even as adults, we naturally seek co-regulation through supportive relationships.
Benefits of Co-regulation
- Supports emotional development:
Helps children recognise, process, and regulate emotions effectively. - Strengthens attachment bonds:
Builds trust and emotional security in relationships. - Encourages social and cognitive growth:
A regulated child is more engaged in learning, problem-solving, and positive social interactions. - Reduces anxiety and behavioural challenges:
Emotional safety decreases meltdowns, defiance, aggression, and withdrawal.
How do we practice co-regulation?
Rather than focusing on changing behaviours, caregivers can support emotional development by addressing the underlying emotions that drive those behaviours. When children feel understood and supported, they are more likely to develop healthy self-regulation skills over time, leading to natural improvements in behaviour.
Here are some key strategies for practicing co-regulation:
1. Stay calm and regulated yourself
Children mirror the emotional state of their caregivers. If a caregiver remains calm during moments of distress, the child is more likely to feel safe and learn how to regulate their emotions.
Example: A child throwing a tantrum will struggle to calm down if a parent reacts with frustration. Instead, taking a deep breath, maintaining a relaxed posture, and responding with patience helps the child feel safe.
2. Validate and acknowledge emotions
Children need to know and understand their own emotions before they can learn to manage them. When their emotions are dismissed or minimised, they may feel confused, frustrated, or unheard.
Example: Instead of saying, “You’re fine, don’t be upset.”, you could try, “I see you’re feeling frustrated because your toy isn’t working the way you want it to.” This reassures children that their emotions are valid and helps them build emotional awareness and regulation skills.
3. Offer predictability and routine
Predictability provides children with a sense of security, reducing emotional outbursts and stress. When children know what to expect, they feel more in control of their environment.
Example: Establish consistent morning and bedtime routines, set clear expectations for transitions, and use visual schedules if needed to help children feel more at ease.
4. Use non-verbal soothing cues
Sometimes, a calm presence is more effective than words. Gentle touch, eye contact, and a soothing tone of voice can help children regulate emotions.
Example: Offer a reassuring hug, a comforting pat on the back, or simply sit beside your child in silence when they are upset. Your calm presence can be enough to help them regain a sense of balance.
5. Model healthy emotional regulation
Children learn self-regulation by observing how caregivers manage their own emotions. Expressing emotions in a constructive way helps children understand that feelings are natural and manageable.
Example: If you’re feeling frustrated, you could say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath and calm down before I respond.” This models a healthy way to cope with strong emotions.
6. Maintain boundaries with compassion
Co-regulation does not mean allowing children to do whatever they want. It involves validating emotions while maintaining appropriate limits on behaviour. Acknowledging a child’s feelings while reinforcing boundaries helps children understand that emotions are natural, but actions have limits.
7. Be patient and understanding
Regulating emotions takes time and practice. Children develop self-regulation gradually through repeated experiences of support and guidance. By offering patience and reassurance, caregivers create an environment where children feel safe to navigate their emotions at their own pace.
Conclusion
Co-regulation is a powerful tool that supports children’s emotional growth and resilience. When caregivers stay calm, validate emotions, and offer consistent support, they create an environment where children feel safe and can navigate their emotions with greater ease.
Every child, with the right support, can learn to navigate their emotions in a way that works for them. Instead of trying to control behaviour, co-regulation helps children understand and work through the emotions driving their actions. This approach builds trust and emotional awareness, helping children grow in confidence and self-regulation — skills that last a lifetime.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of Relationships. Routledge.
Meyer, A. (2024). Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief. OPRE Brief: 2017-80.
https://fpg.unc.edu/sites/fpg.unc.edu/files/resources/reports-and-policy-briefs/Co-RegulationFromBirthThroughYoungAdulthood.pdf
O’Connor, K. J., Schaefer, C. E., and Braverman, L. D. (2015). Handbook of Play Therapy. John Wiley & Sons.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton.
Salamon, M. (2024). Co-regulation: Helping children and teens navigate big emotions. Harvard Health Publishing. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/co-regulation-helping-children-and-teens-navigate-big-emotions-202404033030
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child. Bantam Books.
